Parents in Military

Summary: As tens of thousands of soldiers and reservists are called upon to serve their country, the children of military families face a unique set of fears and concerns. For the first time, many children will be separated from a parent who may be sent away from home for an indeterminate amount of time. And with repeat call-ups, parents are sometimes sent on a second or third tour.

Children may see images of or hear about battles and casualties. And they may hear mixed views-some supportive, some not-about America's involvement in military action.

Some of the issues you may want to discuss with your children about a loved one's service in the military are:

• Explain that father or mother works for the government, and that the government is in charge of keeping our country safe.
• Let them know that father or mother is doing his or her best to do a good job in trying to make the world a safer place.
• If you live on a military base, utilize the support services available to you and your children. Let the child know that other children are also dealing with this difficult situation.
• Although it may be extremely difficult for you to think about, it is very important to be prepared to tell your child tragic news one day. Should something happen, and so that you are not caught unaware, consider talking in advance with a counselor, trusted friend, or spiritual advisor on how best to handle this if it should ever happen.

Encourage children to express their feelings. Allow them to talk about the parent and listen very carefully. This will help you to find out their degree of anxiety about the separation.

Be honest when the child asks, "When will mommy or daddy come home?" Tell them that you don't know exactly when mommy or daddy will be finished doing their job, but that they will come home as soon as they can. Answer their questions with simple, honest and accurate answers.

If your child is hearing things about the war, this is a good opportunity to explore what he or she is thinking about it. Be open to varying points of view; some children are negative about the war because it "took away" their parent; others are supportive as a way of justifying the absence. Try to explore uncertainties and questions, explaining that it can be difficult, even for adults, to sometimes know what is the best thing to do.

Here are some questions you may want to ask your kids:

• How do you feel about mommy or daddy having to be away from home for a while?
• How do you think things will be different while mommy/daddy is away? What will stay the same?
• How do you think it will be for mommy or daddy to be away from us?
• What do you think will be the hardest thing about having mommy/daddy be away?

It is a good idea to review these same questions every so often. You may say:

• Remember when mommy/daddy left and you thought it would be hard to go to sleep without saying goodnight? How is that going?
• What's easier than you thought it would be? What's harder?
• How do you think we are all doing with this separation?